To play or to control? That is the question…

15/10/24

Many parents today find it surprisingly challenging to play with their children. For some, play feels like an unfamiliar language they never learned to speak fluently, while others struggle with a persistent feeling that they "should" be doing something more productive. These struggles with play often trace back to cultural conditioning and personal histories that have left many adults disconnected from the freedom and creativity that play embodies.

The seeds of this aversion to play are often planted early. Many adults grew up in environments where productivity, achievement, and control were valued over unstructured play. Societal pressures taught us that success required measurable outcomes, routines, and clear objectives, not spontaneous imagination. As children, play may have been something we were told to "settle down" from, a pastime that eventually got edged out by homework, chores, and the constant reinforcement that we should be preparing for “real life.”

These lessons shape how we parent today. When it comes to playing with our children, we may feel an uncomfortable tug-of-war between allowing our children to lead and the desire to shape, control, and even direct the outcomes of their play. Play, by nature, is unstructured and unpredictable, requiring us to let go and follow along without a plan or timeline. This lack of control can make parents anxious. It may trigger memories of their own childhood experiences of being pressured to perform or “be good,” stirring up unresolved feelings about what they were once denied.

At the same time, many parents today also feel a powerful desire to control their children’s environments and activities to keep them safe and ensure they’re developing “on track.” This need for control, though well-intentioned, can create barriers to genuine, joyful play. Play can feel foreign and even frivolous against a backdrop of parental responsibility and the weight of wanting the best for our kids.

However, allowing ourselves to engage in play alongside our children—where they lead, and we follow—can be incredibly healing. It reminds us of the creativity and curiosity we had as children, which may have been forgotten along the way. When parents approach play with a willingness to let go, they offer their children a safe space to explore, and they also open themselves up to re-discovering a freedom they may not have realized they missed.

It’s in these shared moments of play that both parent and child find a kind of liberation. The parent discovers a lost part of themselves, and the child experiences a connection with a parent who isn’t trying to control but rather participate. Ultimately, letting go of control in play can offer both parent and child the joy of connection, creativity, and healing—a foundation for growth that can carry them both far beyond playtime.