Parenting Without Love: How Both Strict and Gentle Styles Miss the Mark
Ok, so we all know the intense levels of parenting style out there, and these are the top two I find can be extreme on both sides.. from strict authoritarian approaches (think militarian, no connection to human being) to passive gentle parenting (think no structure or learning, also no true connection to human being as parent seeks selfish love).
Let’s explore these:
If we take a look at these two styles, they often miss a crucial element: the parent’s self-awareness and how their own upbringing, behaviors, and beliefs impact their child’s development. Striking a healthy middle ground is key to fostering connection, emotional growth, and confidence in children. The most important piece of this is ensuring that children feel love and connection from their parents, rather than being influenced by the parents' unresolved wounds and projections.
The Authoritarian Approach
Authoritarian parenting focuses on rules, discipline, and obedience, often leaving little room for emotional expression. While structure and boundaries are helpful, an overemphasis on control can stifle a child’s self-esteem and emotional development, creating distrust and fear of the parental figure.
Scenario 1: The Rule-Enforcing Parent
A child spills juice on the carpet. The authoritarian parent reacts by scolding harshly, saying, “You’re so careless! You need to pay attention!” The child learns to fear mistakes rather than understanding how to handle them.
Impact on the Child
Negative: The child may feel shame and become overly cautious or anxious about making mistakes. This creates an emotional distance between parent and child, as the child may feel judged rather than supported. This can lead to rebellious and controlling behaviour later on, and also mirroring of the parents behaviour.
Missed Opportunity: Building problem-solving skills and fostering a sense of responsibility through calm guidance. More importantly, the child needs to feel safe and loved in the face of mistakes.
The Gentle Parenting Approach
Gentle parenting emphasizes empathy, respect, and emotional validation, but on the extreme side the parent is unaware as to the emotional needs they are trying to get fulfiled by the child and without enough structure and ability to teach the child or say ‘no’, it risks enabling poor boundaries or inconsistent emotions being expressed, leading to rebellious behaviour and grandiose ego in adults.
Scenario 2: The Overly Permissive Parent
The same juice spill occurs, and the gentle parent responds with, “It’s okay, sweetie, don’t worry about it,” with the main aim of parent not wanting to create a conflict with the child and then cleans it up for them. While empathetic, this approach may not teach the child accountability or problem-solving.
Impact on the Child
Negative: The child may not learn to take responsibility for their actions or respect their environment. They may also feel uncertain about the limits of what’s acceptable, which can lead to confusion and insecurity.
Missed Opportunity: Teaching accountability in a supportive, loving way. The child still needs to feel a sense of responsibility, but also the love and care that come with guidance and a shared learning experience with the parent.
Why Both Approaches Miss the Mark
Both authoritarian and gentle parenting styles fail to fully address the critical role of the parent’s inner world. A parent’s unresolved childhood wounds, beliefs, and behaviors influence their parenting style, often unintentionally. Without self-reflection, a parent might enforce rules rigidly or avoid boundaries entirely, mirroring patterns from their own upbringing. What’s most important, however, is that children feel loved, safe, and understood, rather than being unconsciously subjected to their parent’s projections of fear, shame, or unhealed emotional wounds.
For example, a parent who struggles with their own feelings of inadequacy might inadvertently project those fears onto their child by being excessively strict or overly permissive. The child, in turn, may internalize these feelings of inadequacy or confusion, leading to emotional disconnection. The core issue is that the parent’s unresolved wounds can overshadow the child’s need to feel unconditional love and acceptance.
The Healthy Middle Ground
A balanced approach blends the structure of directive parenting with the empathy of gentle parenting, anchored in the parent’s self-awareness and emotional growth. This middle ground ensures that the child feels the security of loving and clear boundaries, mixed with direction and learning while also experiencing warmth, understanding, and love.
Key Characteristics of the Middle Ground:
Firm but Flexible Directions: Rules and expectations balanced with understanding and adaptability, learning and trialing what it feels like for the child to experience first before imput of parents view.
Empathy with Accountability: Acknowledging emotions while sharing responsibility.
Parental Self-Awareness: Recognizing how your past influences your reactions and making conscious choices to parent differently by seeking therapy and resolving childhood wounds.
Unconditional Love: The foundation of connection is making sure your child feels loved regardless of their behavior, while still holding space for them to learn and grow.
Scenario 3: The Balanced Parent
The child spills juice. The balanced parent says calmly, “Oops, let’s clean this up together. Don’t worry, mummy often spills things too. Let’s see if we can be more careful next time.”
Impact on the Child
Positive: The child feels understood and less ashamed of making a mistake. The parent is on the same level as the child, normalizing the experience and reinforcing that it’s okay to make mistakes. This approach helps the child feel loved and safe while also encouraging responsibility in a gentle way.
Connection: The interaction fosters trust and emotional safety. The child learns that they are not alone in their mistakes, and that their parents are there to support them, not to judge them.
Why It Matters
Parenting isn’t about perfection; it’s about presence and intention. The middle ground allows a child to grow emotionally while feeling deeply connected to their parent. This balance cultivates self-esteem, emotional intelligence, and resilience.
By healing your own wounds and staying emotionally present, you create an environment where your child feels loved, accepted, and understood—free from projections or unresolved emotions.
Parenting is about growth, both for you and your child. Find the balance, and watch your relationship thrive. 🌱
